Can I achieve it?

I feel like crying so bad, now at this hour...in front of my PC..I suppose to be doing my work now, but instead I choose to express my feeling in this little online journal of mine...I wanted to blog about something else, but this thing has been boiling in my mind for the last 5 hours.

Camana nak mulakan ni? Straight to the point jelah. My expressed breast milk is running low today. I managed to extract only 3 oz instead of the normal 7 oz per pumping session! Aliff needs like 15 oz per day. The breastpump just conked out! The suction is no longer strong and the use-to-be quiet manual pump is currently making quite a sound while pumping. I can't figure out what's wrong but I believe that pump sudah menemui 'ajal'nya. Damnit!

Actually, semalam lagi I dah sedar yang my EBM dropped while doing tandem pumping but I don't really mind that much coz yesterday is an off-day from work. Aliff could breastfeed directly as long and as much as he wants. But today, the reality strikes when I did my first pumping session this morning. What the heck is wrong with this pump? Why is the sucking motion so soft? And the sound? I tried pumping for almost 1/2 hour and just gave up when I could not get much outcome. At that point onwards, I feel like crying...and that feeling lingers till now...

I immediately surfed the net, looking for a replacement part for the pump (somehow or rather I think the problem has got to do with the rubber thingy at the handle). But, they don't offer such part for the breastpump. No choice, but to hunt for a new breastpump. I feel like buying the same type I'm currently using, but I want to try an electric pump from Spectr@ due to its rave reviews (esp the part where it actually increase your EBM). So Spectr@ 3 is on my top list.

Then again, this working place of mine is not breastfeeding friendly. There's no comfortable location for me to do the pumping. I use to pump in the surau or in the store (where there's no lock so anyone could just enter without notice) . The corner of the store where I usually does my 'production' has no power source/point, so scrape the idea of wanting to continue breastpumping there should I want to invest on this new breastpump.

Next is the surau. Oh yeah, they do have a power point there so I'd be able to set up my production line there. In the morning I could do it comfortably, but after lunch hour the surau will be jam-packed with people, so there's no way I'm going to do my activity there. In fact, I've never seen people pumping in surau before. Oh, I feel like crying again...

Ok stop it Rafiqah. You are determine to continue breastfeeding exclusively. So by right, you shouldn't care what people say. But this Rafiqah does care! I have to admit I'm shy when it comes to this subject. I treat it as my most intimate and private moment. I'll sneak out slowly to do my pumping, and will put my EBM in the fridge as slowly as I can so nobody would notice (and nobody will find out about my EBM in there), and back at my desk doing work as if I've never leave it before. Well, at least I thot nobody would notice...

And then on the carrier bag itself. You know how by carrying a cooler/carrier bag at peculiar time of the day could attract the attention of the people around you? I wanna avoid that too, if I could, especially from the guys at the office. They might wondering where the hell this Rafiqah is going carrying the bag at this time of the hour. With the current pump, I use the JLChildress bag, pretty small and compact so nobody would actually notice or care to ask what's inside. They might think that's just the normal cosmetic pouch. But with the new pump I'm eyeing on, the carrier bag is a bit bulky, thus I have the feeling like the whole office would be looking at me should I carry the bag, trotting across the floor. Or what's the impression of the people in LRT when they look at a lady carrying a big handbag plus another bulky carrier bag? It'll be too space consuming in the packed-LRT, everyone will feel like screaming at me!

Ahh...why should I care in the first place? Why do I have to think too much and stress myself out (that'll affect my milk production even more). I suppose to be proud that I'm giving my baby the best milk in the whole wide world. If I'm determine enough, I should have tutup mata sebelah and just do what I have to do. I could just go at anyone who's looking at me quizzically and say 'if u r wondering but afraid to ask, inside this big and bulky bag is actually a breastpump and bottles for me to produce milk for my son. Oh yeah, u can have a look inside the fridge if u want to see what I've produce so far'. And at the surau, I could just pump proudly and answer any queries that come along the way. Aha! That sounds good isn't it?

Then again, do I actually have the guts to do so? Ah! I have to have a strong-will in order for me to pursue my goal to exclusive breastfeed Aliff. I have to do it. I've gone this far and in another 1 1/2 month to go, I've reached my goal. Come on Rafiqah!

Ok, let me see. I visualize myself carrying my big handbag and carrier bag in the crowded LRT, smile at anyone who look at me with annoying face, take the bulky bag and walk pass my boss room to the surau, make myself comfortable in one corner of the surau where the powerpoint is, smile at anyone who's giving me 'the look' and continue pumping happily. Oh, it wasn't that bad isn't it?

Aaahhh...I think I should go on investing on this new electric pump before my EBM reduce even further. Looking at the stock I have, I think it could last for another one week. Or I could just take a 'milk leave' for desperate measure. I'll place the order soon, but not after I know what's the dimension of the carrier bag, only for my knowledge...hehehe...

Oh it feels a lot better after pouring out my dissapointment and exasperation..Now I can smile again...