Saturday, March 29, 2008

Missing him!

Hubby is currently in China. He has been there for almost two weeks. This shall be the longest outstation trip so far, which is about one month.

Or 3 1/2 weeks to be exact.

Oh, when u named it as "week" instead of "month" it sounds and feels better. Sounds shorter and more bearable.

The family misses him. Especially dear Ashraff. At first, he kept on asking "where's Ayah?" And I have to tell him again and again that Ayah is working in China. And then, everytime he hears the clicking sound of the hubby's car, he will ask "Siapa tu?". From the look on his face, he wanted it so much that the answer is "Ayah", thus when the answer is the opposite, he looked dissappointed. In the first few days after Hubby left, Ashraff had problem dozing off. I asked him "Ashraff rindu kat ayah ke?". Dia cakap "A'ah." "Ashraff tak boleh tidur sebab ingat ayah ke?" "A'ah." I almost cried.

You see, Ashraff is closer to his Ayah when I got Aliff. Dia rasa diri dia macam hilang tempat bergantung when Aliff was born, so he turned to Hubby for love and affection. From there on, it's always Ayah this and that. Ayah tidurkan dia. Ayah buat susu dia. Ayah tukar baju dia.

So when Ayah goes outstation, inilah jadinya. Cuma this time around, it's a bit too long. Ashraff pun demam. Maybe sebab kerinduan, maybe jugak sebab the weather. But he's recovering well.

Oh, Hubby might be reading this blog in China, so I don't want to worry him too much, coz I know he misses us as well there. And I'm sure he is counting days to see us. Betol tak, Hubby dearie?

As for myself, I took this chance as a golden opportunity to be independent. To build up the courage and knowledge to take up Hubby's role in his absence. After all, like what Hubby always said, this action is called "Risk Management" - managing risk in your life, coz you can't tell what's going to happen in the future. It feels great whenever I accomplished something that I've never done before - something which I always depend on Hubby or my father to do it. But that does not mean I do not miss Hubby. Obviously, I do. Very much. So don't worry ok hubs?

Ok now, it's time to go back long....

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Election '08

Never give a damn about politics. Never care to find out who wins what seat. Never know the importance of an ADUN to represent the people. That is how ignorance I was to the Malaysian politics. But that was before. This year the battle is so interesting that it keeps me awake all night just to see the outcome of Election 2008.

The result was outrageous and against the norm. Even the most predictable thing like 100% win for blue-and-white “dacing” people in the state down-under proves to be wrong.

It has to be the worst record ever documented in the history of the “dacing” party. No doubt in the last 5 decades, they have done their level best in taking up the role of the government. But in this 12-th general election, they have taken the wrong tactics in winning the people’s heart. Arrogance has pulled them down. Overexposure in the mainstream media has made the voters, especially urban voters, very angry. Not to mention their policies and decisions that affect the bread-and-butter of the citizens. It reflects the unfairness in Malaysian politics..and err..corruption. Well, let’s not delve into the latter here coz that’s one hot and sensitive issue to discuss.

The ‘dacing’ people has to learn from the cue given by the people and improve from there on. They might have been in their comfort seats all this while, so to learn that what happened is actually resulted from themselves, must be something hard to do. Personally, I would say that the result is derived from “vote of no confidence” to the government, and not because the people has sided the opposition. So if the “dacing” can replant the confidence in its people, I am sure they can make amend the whole situation.

All in all, they are still choosen as the government. I have nothing against it. But now, we have a balanced parliament, with the opposition taken more than 1/3 of the seats. Thus, decision making is not as easy as before. Persidangan pun takdelah macam meeting kawan-kawan. I love the fact that there is a check and balance in Malaysian politics. I hope with this, our rights and say are heard, and anticipates this to be the best for us Malaysian citizens.

If it proves to be wrong, than we could rectify this problem in the 13th General Election.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

The Fear in Me

The only time I listen to the radio is in the car. My favourite time of the day is in the morning, on the way to the office and usually we tune in to the Light FM. They will have this section called “Plug the hole”, followed by traffic update, and then the news and some financial tips in “Smart Money”. Later, the radio announcers will come out with a topic for discussion, and listeners got to call in to give their views.

There’s one morning when the announcer listed down some of celebrities’ greatest fears – e.g. Justin Timberlake is scared of snakes and tigers (who doesn’t?) and Carmen Electra is afraid of water (what is she doing starring in Baywatch if she’s scared of water?). Then the announcers opened up the line for callers with a question “What is your greatest fear in life?”

My answer will be “Death”.
Poyonya lah jawapan…semua orang takut mati.
But yeah, I’m indeed scared of the “D” word.
Not so much of me dying and died. But my loved ones’ death - being separated permanently from my loved ones.

There is too much tragedy being reported in the news – accidents involved family members, kids gone missing etc – that makes me thinking “What if I’m in their shoes? What would I feel? How do I cope with that kind of situation?”

Almost everyday, May Abah will send us to work up to the front gate (followed by their prayers). Lately, whenever I saw them bid us farewell, I always have this thought “One day, they’ll leave me for good. Can I leave without them around?” It gives me a shudder everytime I think of it.

For instance, what if Mak is no longer around? Eventhough I’m married, I still very much depended on her…for words of wisdom, for motivation, for hugs and kisses coz no one understands me better than Mak. Ashraff is also fond of his Tok Mak. I still remember when Mak when for Umrah and he asked me to draw Ultraman. Seriously, I’m bad at drawing so the comment I got from Ashraff was “Ibu tak pandai draw Ultraman. Tok Mak je pandai.” Well boy, Tok Mak is not going to be forever with us you know. I guess that’s one of the reasons we want to move to our new house – so that my kids do not depend too much on their grandparents and will be heart-broken once they are gone.

And Abah. Though we always argue (sebab dua-dua panas baran and dua-dua nak menang), I still can’t imagine my life without him. The ever supportive father I've known. The wise one. The leader in the family who navigates the family well. He has that cheeky smile (which Ashraff got it from) which I know I’ll miss seeing once he is no longer around.

And then there is Hubby. He only enters my life 5 years ago, but to be separated permanently from him by way of death, is something unbearable and far-reaching. Living a life of a single parent is full of hardship – financially, emotionally and physically. I can get a glimpse of it whenever Hubby went for work outstation, and even in that temporary situation, I could not stand of not seeing and having him around.

Another one will be my mother-in-law. Although I could not feel her presence everyday (as she lives far away), but it still does not stop me from thinking – what is the impact on my life if she’s not around? Of course, it will affect hubby emotionally and that alone will have indirect impact on me. And then, Hubby being the eldest, and moi the eldest daughter-in-law, I know I have to take up the role of “Kak Long” in the family – handling all the family’s major affair, raya, wedding, kenduri – when MIL is no longer around. That will be one hell of a major task for someone who’s not use to that position.

And then there is my two angels – Ashraff and Aliff. What if Allah decided to take them away from me? Meaning which, I witness the day when they were born till the day they die. Omigod! People will usually express their sympathy whenever a baby is still born, or died few hours after birth. Yup, memang sedih. But for me, it will be more depressing should your child err..died..when they are bigger. The longer they are in our lives, the harder it is to be separated from them. A lot more good memories with them.

I don’t know. Maybe I think too much about something that you can’t measure presently. Something that won’t take you anywhere. But hey, am I the only one? Have you given a thought about this?

Monday, March 03, 2008

Their individual soul

I've been drafting this post everyday for the last one week. Can't find time to do it one shot. Apart from that, I've somesort of mental blogging with lots and lots of things I want to blog about...if and only if I got the time.

Anyway, after reading my previous post, I really think it’s fair for me to blog about my two tykes individually (can't get enough of them), so that as I look back at this entry in the years to come, I would know their development as at this date. Those previous phases that shall pass and never could be re-visited. So, here goes…


What I would like to remember about him as at todate is his schooling days and the effect on him as a person. You see, Ashraff’s day care giver is his grandparents and our maid, and he’s confined in a familiar surrounding all the time, which is our house. He doesn’t have a schedule to begin with. He can wake up anytime he wants, sleep and eat whenever and whatever he wants, demand unnecessary stuff and most of the times succeeded because either Tok Mak or Tok Abah will get it for him. His life was never regulated. It’s him and only his words count. Pretty hard to bend “his rule”, especially with the short temperament that he got.

Thus, going to school every day was not a smooth journey to start with. The first two days was okay, just as per my previous entry. But after that, it was tough to make him go to school, and it wasn’t me who has to bear it everyday. It was my mother and father (and my maid).

Not every grandparent has the strong heart to do so, especially when grandchildren are concerned. But alhamdulillah, in this situation, Mak was different. She’ll make sure Ashraff goes to school everyday. Nangis pun nangislah. She’ll still force him to go.

Due to tahap mogok yang agak kritikal, Ashraff refused to cooperate in class. How did we find out? From Ashraff himself. He told us, “Semua orang nyanyi, Ashraff sorang je tak nyanyi.” And everytime we asked him what song or what alphabet/number he learns in school, he’ll give us the same answer everyday – “tak tahu.” And as told earlier, Ashraff kept on refraining himself from peeing in school.

I am worried that this situation will continue, so all I could do is pray. And alhamdulillah, my prayer was answered when after more than one week of crying, he suddenly change to a better person. He is eager and excited to go to school. He’ll wake up on his own and ever willing to change to his school uniform. He has started doing his ‘business’ at school so he now wears no diaper to school.

He has started to sing to us all the songs he learns at school together with the action. He now knows how to differentiate between a boy and a girl, and knows what every colour at the traffic light means. Something which we never have the time to teach him before.

At times there was a sudden gush of “saya” dan “awak” when he was talking to Aliff. It sounds weird and funny, but I guess that indicates the way he communicates with his friends at school. I know that his social skills improves when he starts mentioning some of his friends’ names – John, Girish, Haziq and Farhan – when he talks about school.
“Takde girl ke?”
“Ashraff kan boy. Ashraff kawan dengan boy je lah,” he answered nonchalantly.

I also noticed some positive change in the discipline department. It is easier to negotiate with him now. He suits well with the “Time-Out” method, whereby if he makes one mistake or refuse to follow instruction, I’ll ask him to stand at one corner until he feels sorry for what he did. I tried that before with him but it didn’t work out. He also knows how to keep his toys back to where it belongs if we asked him to. And also make sure that his shoes are put at its designated area whenever he takes it off. Takdelah buat kepala degil dia macam dulu.

He also shows sudden sign of empathy. Like the other day, I fell down right in the middle of a crowd in Danga Bay, Johor. Sakit dan malu. But it was all wiped away when Ashraff asked me “Are you okay?” It caught me at suprise and I almost cried. Sebelum ni, dia akan buat dek je when I’m in pain. Then, I can see that he asked similar question to Aliff whenever he sees Aliff in pain.

Having a conversation with him is a lot of fun. He can argue with you now. And he can asked you lots and lots of questions yang cukup menguji kepintaran ku sebagai seorang dewasa. He amazes me with his knowledge and also his extensive vocabulary, both Malay and English. Gone were the days when we have to force him to sleep. Now he can just doze off anytime he wants to…with ease. I guess going to school tires him down.

One thing about Ashraff that I noticed, he is good when it comes to music. He appreciates music. He can catch the rhythm of a song in flash, and later memorize its lyrics, be it in English, Malay or Japanese (ni kes lagu Ultraman, Shuriken School, Ninja Boy etc). At one time, he took his piggy bank full of coins, and jiggled that thing to a familiar rhythm. I volunteered to become the singer, so both of us became a mother & son duo for the night. I don’t know whether this is good or not, but I definitely oppose to the notion of him becoming a singer.

Ashraff is a big boy already..and he seems to grow and mature overnight. I guess sending him to school really helps to discipline and teach him to become independent. Then again, he still acts as any 3 1/2 year old will do. He still throws tantrums occasionally. He still fights with Aliff. And he still could not share some of his toys. He is also still on bottle. I still have no idea how to wean him. But as at now, it is not a major concern.

Now I have to deal with another toddler in the making..and his name is Aliff.


Oh where do I start? Too many things to update. I think I better do it in point form.

  • Tantrums, tantrums, tantrums. My 15 month old boy can definitely express his dissatisfaction by whining, screaming dan menghempaskan badannya ke lantai seperti ikan atas darat. I’m still finding ways on how to handle his tantrums. The “Distraction Tactic” which works well with Ashraff, does not work effectively with Aliff. He is very focus, I may say. If he wants that thing, it’s only that and nothing else.

  • At the age of 15 month, Aliff knows how to hold pencil/pen perfectly like any adults do. I think he must have got it from his brother. And just like Ashraff, he also loves to scribble, and I’m trying to make sure he does that only on paper.

  • He can also dance to any tune, but his dance is funny. It’s more of like marching, rather than dancing.

  • His vocabulary is wide, compared to his brother at this age. The thing about Aliff he loves to imitate the word that comes out from anyone’s mouth, esp his brother’s. And dia jenis main hentam je. So he’s quite “pelat”. Unlike him, Ashraff is a perfectionist. If he can’t utter the word perfectly, he’ll not say it at all. So that’s why he’s slower when it comes to talking, but when he does, it was perfect. Some of Aliff’s vocab as at todate:-

Bu – Ibu
Abah – Tok Abah
Nak –Hendak
Nanak – Tak nak (Ashraff dulu mat salleh sikit sebab dia cakap “No”)
Chuchu – susu (bottle/breastfeed)
Amik – Ambik
Pyman – Spiderman
Donald Duck (perfect! But got mix up with Mickey Mouse)
Shek – Shrek
Onkey – Donkey
Wabbit – Rabbit
Tetit – Sakit
Akut – Takut
Banak – Banyak
Num – Minum
Atuh – Jatuh
Tekan – (suruh kita tekan suis bukak lampu)
Bayee – Barney

I think banyak lagi but tu je yang I can recall as at now.

  • He hates formula. So I still have to pump in the office. My BM is running low, so he has to be supplemented. My maid uses a cup and straw to make him drink formula. He’ll take a little.

  • Gigi? I tak tahu berapa batang yang dah ada. It’s pretty hard to see how much teeth he’s got with his small pouting lips. And he refused to let us open his mouth to see his teeth. But from a quick glimpse, I think he has about 8 teeth. Pretty slow in this department, I think.

  • He’s still a restless sleeper. He’ll wake up few times at night. Thank God I’m breastfeeding, so I don’t really mind at all. Cuma when he’s teething, he’ll become more restless, and will wake up almost every hour. Menguji kesabaran di situ.

  • So far, alhamdulillah, dia payah nak menjangkit bila the whole house sakit, and shall recover fast should he’s sick. Ashraff pun dulu macam tu jugak. Seldom sakit masa kecik, but now, almost every two weeks selsema. I think if you don’t build the antibody when you’re smaller (i.e sakit will build antibody), you’re bound to kerap sakit as u gets bigger. I hope Aliff has stronger antibody.

Ok, hubby is here. Gotta go. Till my next post, taaa....