Ni ala2 entry membuka pekung di dada lah..but I need to blog about it and probably get a lil bit of advise from fellow bloggers. And yeah, I know..this is still not the entry which some of you are waiting for, which is pix for Ashraff & Aliff's birthday bash. InsyaAllah kalau dapat gambar by today, I'll post an entry about it next week.
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Each an every blood vessel in my body is filled with The Bugis blood. Mak berketurunan Bugis and Abah too. And the infamous Bugis people is well-known for their "cepat naik darah" attitude. Keturunan lanun. So that explains a lot why my patient level is very low. Cuma in public, I seldom showed my true colour so that's why some of my school friends or officemates do not know the real me...hehe.
Masa kecik, kalau marah, masyaAllah, macam nak pecah satu rumah. Abah, who has the same patient level with I do, memang tak boleh tahan dengan my perangai. So we ended up fighting with each other. Only Mak who can calm me down. The ever patient Mak, who tolerates with both her husband and her daughter's behaviour. I don't know how she does it, but she is so calm...she doesn't nag, despite me yang memang mudah menjawab dan menunjukkan aksi degil tahap lampau. But sekali dia marah, I tell you, it is really pain in the ass. She will end up not talking to you for few days, until you said you are sorry..and prove to her that u really feel sorry for your misbehaviour. She will use all sort of gadgets - rotan, hanger, tali pinggang. Berbirat kaki kalau sekali dia libas, but eventually she'll be the one who bubuh ubat sambil bagi nasihat yang sepatutnya. With that, she managed to discipline me...and I'm inspired with the method she used. I simply hate mothers who nag, and berazam takkan tergolong dalam kategori itu.
Somehow it wasn't the easiest thing to do. Ashraff is getting bigger and my God, he's really testing our patient. He's definitely my product. I can see myself in him. But, my mum-in-law pun cakap my husband is never that patient, as compared to his siblings. Just like me, dia pun mewarisi perangai Ayahnya. So, I would say Ashraff is a combination of both of us. But I have been expected this since he was born. Dengan attitude dia yang kuat nangis, I can sense that he has quite a temper. And me being a first time mother yang tidak mempunyai kesabaran yang tinggi, terus ala-ala give up dengan perangai kuat nangis Ashraff. At one time, I rasa macam taknak tgk muka Ashraff. "Take him away from me! I can't stand him crying non-stop. I nak tidur," I told Hubby. Camtulah lebih kurang. Ishk, teruknya kan...
But will all the parenting articles I've read, your child mirrors you. Meaning which, kalau u jenis pemarah, anak akan turut sama. So, I tried to change myself. Tried to reduce my temper. Tried to act calm whenever Ashraff throws tantrum. Tried to smile despite him crying so loud in the public. I attended lots of parenting seminars..and read parenting books to help me in my mission.
Alhamdulillah, it works. When I was preggy with Aliff, I have to say I'm patient and calmer. Nobody in the family congratulate me for this achievement, or maybe they just didn't notice. But I can sense the difference and I'm proud of myself when I can control my temper from erupting. Bila Ashraff nangis stail jerit-jerit je, I cuma tengok je muka dia. Takde pun perasaan meluap nak marah datang. Ntah macam ada pendinding je I rasa masa tu.
I guess that's why Aliff is a calmer and much more patient boy. Cry only when it's necessary. Alhamdulillah.
Cuma now, I no longer have that patient. I'm back to my old self. The grumpy Rafiqah Eliza. For the past few days, I've been thinking about this. What's got into me? Why can't I be patient like when was preggy with Aliff before? Is it because Ashraff is harder to handle? Is his pastering become more persistent? Maybe. But I should be more patient no matter what the situation is.
Sekarang ni kalau salah sikit je, I dah terus marah. Kalau mamat tu nangis style menjerit sket, dengan I sekali menjerit-jerit marahkan dia. I'm scared that Ashraff/Aliff will learn that it's okay to shout if you are angry. Bila Ashraff snatch barang from Aliff's hand and Aliff menangis, I easily pissed off with Ashraff so I will end up snatching the thing back from Ashraff's hand. This is definitely the wrong approach! I'm trying to teach him not to snatch barang, tapi I pulak yang snatch from him. Goodness..I hate myself for not being able to control my temper and for not thinking rationally before I act.
Hari tu Ashraff marah and dia baling barang kat dinding. Berkecai toys tu. I pun hangin satu badan. Tak boleh tahan betul. So, I pun marah lah tahap gaban kat dia. I don't hit him, but I'm actually nagging. Omigod! Bertambah teruklah marah Ashraff. He was so angry sampai merah-merah muka dia, and muka rebellious dia pun terserlah. Dia roar macam lion...and masa tu I dah naik takut pulak dah. Apa pulak yang dah rasuk badan Ashraff ni? So I berastaghafar and alhamdulillah my temper level goes down. I urut2 dada Ashraff and hug him. He pushed me away, coz he was really mad. My God! Tahap marah aku dah mula nak naik balik, tapi nasib baik tidak. So I just let Ashraff cry...cry as much and as loud as he wants too. After about 10 mins, I agak2 dah surut sikit nangis dia, I went and hug him again. And asked him why is he angry in the first place. He refused to tell and kept on crying out loud. But after a while, he told me the reason. I said to him, it's okay to be angry...but Ibu doesn't like the way he expressed it..and I'm trying to come out with a good way to express anger but failed miserably. Tetiba blank. Any idea on how a 3yo could express anger in a "nicer" way?
And as for me, I think I better re-read the "Cool Mum Super Dad" book...and also re-attend some parenting seminars. The Khalifah method seminar is a good way to start with. I was thinking of reading books about raising boys...and perhaps a Chicken Soup for the Soul so that I'll appreciate parenting more. And I think Hubby needs to do this too. After all, dia pun cepat panas macam I jugak. Kitaorang ni sama. Cepat panas dan cepat reda. Mak told mum-in-law the other day that kalau bebudak ni gaduh, sekejap je dah baik. Hey, camne dia boleh tahu kitaorg gaduh ni? Puas cover takut mak tahu okay...hehe..
With Ashraff pulak, reward-based method works the best. I was thinking of making a chart with star stickers. If u act good, then you'll get one sticker. And upon receiving an X number of stickers, he's entitled for a reward. But is it good to give him rewards all the time? I'm scared he'll take advantage of this. Ashraff ni manipulative okay..idea dia sgt banyak...hehe. But on the other hand, we'll be buying him toys/cds/books anyway, so why not buy something for him when he acts good?
Ishk...banyaknya yang I need to learn to become a good parent...Ni baru ada dua orang anak. Kalau ada few more with different personalities, lagilah mencabar. But whatever it is, I believe we have to improve ourselves and lifestyles first, before we could expect our children to do so. That is for me the hardest part. And of course, not forgotten, prayers and du'a.
13 comments:
i actually cried reading this entry. my asyraf & your asyraf is so alike. very whiny, very loud and there was a time when i ran away from him, i told hubby i never wanted to be near asyraf again. i went through the same thing you did, plus the sakit2.
i know why asyraf is the way he is...my attitude masa pregnant plays a big role. memang i was very angry when i was pregnant with asyraf...i shouted, i screamed, i threw things. hubby knew why...i dont blame them, but i blamed myself for letting them get to me. now, i'm making it up to asyraf. he's like that because of me, because i couldnt control myself...so i'm controlling myself now.
even at his worst, i'm trying to calm myself. i was calm when i was pregnant with ariff. i dont know why...asyraf was at his most trying age but i was calm. keluar2 ariff pun releks.
but i am scared of how asyraf will be when he's older. takut i also cannot control and cannot keep calm.
eh...sorry. "ur ashraff"...
auntie very sorry ashraff...
ohh bugis yer..sounds so familiar :)
i read abt showering your kid under cold water when they are showing their 'true colors'.never tried that on nael because as much as he is angry (when he was 3+) n also very stubborn, yg nangis jerit2, we tried to stop him by putting him in an empty room. That really works for him...ala2 stand in one corner, empty room/store room works! when he's 4, dah senang nak be rationalize n diplomatic coz he understands more what we're trying to teach him.
cubala a few methods and see how they work with him. bukan u sorang jer ada temper, my hubby too and i'm the type who is kasar...but with time goes by n kita pun makin tua, we are softer towards the kids :) sama2la kita belajar...
p/s: how's the npp going? tak sabar nak tgk..esp on anniversary tuh :))
macam mane nak cerite yer. may be kalau nak cerite mengikut experience i and emir, it is still too early too describe. i still can bear his tantrum.
but ur story reminds me of my younger brother, he used to be macam asyraf. it stared when he hd fit when he was a year old and the doctor advised my parents not to be so tough on him. but what happened, even though he dint know anything, but it looks like he used this opportunity to bully us.
of cos, when he is getting older, he became more and more ganas until me as the eldest sister tak tahan. pernah sampai i libas libas die. oh ya, adik i tu jenis yang marah sikit campak segala harta pusaka kat dalam rumah, name it, computer, tv,tilam dari atas ke bawahh.
but, my mum.. she is so damn cool!! biar je mase adik i tengah marah, tapi bile once budak tu dah calm down, my mum akan keluarkan segala kegeraman dia. i mean in a polite way, until my bro kalau nak ngamuk pun biar mama tak de.
bile adik i dah besar i asked him y, he would say malu. ye laa sebab die marah nak bagi kite lagi marah, i think to the kids, isnt it fun? but since my mum response kurang sikit. adik i sendiri yang segan..
anyway, wanna give some try?
I belum jadik parents so mmg tak reti lagi. Tapi kan Rafiqah, it's blogger like you yg buat I suka baca coz I rasa I learned more on parenthood. Setengah org cerita yg best je, tak citer mende2 camni padahal mende2 camni la yg realitinya. I pun sgt hot tempered, tapi hubby sgt penyabar. Kalau dgn anak2 sedara, I mmg manjakan, tapi bila buat hal, I yg jerit dulu..tapi hubby tak, dia yg tarik pujuk budak2 tu.. tambah2 budak2 zaman sekarang ni kan ada je idea dia nak nakal2 tu.. I pun hope sgt marah2 I ni akan slow down
Thanks for posting,
I wish you a good end of 2007 and a good year of 2008.
Just want to say thank you very much for this post. My son baru jer 9 bulan tapi dah pandai shows his geram-ness towards others. Disebabkan cute, I make him geram often but now, after I read this post, I sedar that I need to be more careful. Tak kan nak ajar dia kuat melawan kan? I better look for the books your mentioned.*panic mode on*
I memang tak boleh sabar jugak.. tapi semenjak bekahwin & berbaby ni.. terpaksa lah belajar menahan sabar.. hee.. hee..
calm down, dear... :) kena banyak banyak sabar. Bila ashraff mengamuk, you tak boleh naik angin sama... I know it's tough, but you can. It a learning process, all mums go through.
Try telling him gently but stern, that you don't accept this behaviour then go away, ignore him. Tahan sekejap lah bingit tu... If still screaming, then maybe pull him away, distract him with something else, another toy, a story, or secret with Mummy, anything to calm him down.
Then when he quiets down, have a chat with him, one-on-one tell him why mummy doesn't like the behaviour, that mummy means business..
You might need to do this a few times, but after a while he'll get the idea that he won't get things done his way.
Give this a try, hope it'll work ;)
Eiseai: Yelah, I always believe how we behave and act during our pregnancy influence very much our baby's behaviour. Next time, kalau preggy lagi, I'll make sure I act calm and smile a lot. But having baby like ashraff/asyraf forces us to be creative mommieskan? We tried different ways just to make him settle down..tak bleh tido terlentang, bagi dia tido tiarap:)
Zan: Showering? Oh, never try that one. But somehow or rather I have the feeling Ashraff akan menjerit lebih teruk if I follow this method. Anyway, would love to give it a try. Tried the time-out method like yours, tapi doesn't work. Still in trial and error stage ni.
Ibu emir: From your story, the kid word is "staying cool". Bab tulah yang I tgh nak improve ni. Betullah apa your brother ckp tu, kids just want to test us. Kalau kita marah jugak, lagi best agaknya..so HAVE to stay cool. Phewhhh...
Amy: Like I said in the beginning of my post, this entry seperti membuka pekung di dada, cuma I have to do it..and I like the feeling after I posted it. Macam release stress. Bebudak sekarang memang mempunyai "akal kancil", so we as parents kenalah lebih dari itu, or else dia boleh makan kita. Tulah yg susah...
David: Thanks for the wish..and thanks for dropping by.
Nomee: Masa ashraff sebaya dgn your aiman, i pun tak fikir sgt. When he reaches 1 yo macam tu, barulah tergerak hati nak change some of my not-so-good behaviours. Do read the book, it's cool!
Mummyrizq: I pun sedang dalam proses nak belajar bersabar. Nanti bila anak dah teenage, lagilah kena sabar, so better start now.
Hani: Omigod, thanks a lot for the tips. I guess you have to stay calm to be able to think rationally and come out with a better solution. That's why I don't blame Ashraff for what he is. That's his behaviour..i only need to mold him and to be able to do that I need to manage my anger. Tulah part yg susah sekarang ni...but I know I have to do it, and it's for the good.
waaaa...im hot temper too...and sometimes i scream at haziq biler dia wat perangai....am ashamed with myself bt sometimes i just lost it....huhu...i dun want to be a hot tempered mom....mcm maner ni???dh marah2 haziq...then he will cry...then i will regret...too late..he has seen the darkside of me. :(
adpoilaaa..sama jelah kiter ..
i pun jenis hot tem[pered..but this time around i am much better but hubby plak tiba2 tempered semacam..and yes there's long winding road that we need to endure kan..we'll see how it goes la...
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