The Fear in Me

The only time I listen to the radio is in the car. My favourite time of the day is in the morning, on the way to the office and usually we tune in to the Light FM. They will have this section called “Plug the hole”, followed by traffic update, and then the news and some financial tips in “Smart Money”. Later, the radio announcers will come out with a topic for discussion, and listeners got to call in to give their views.

There’s one morning when the announcer listed down some of celebrities’ greatest fears – e.g. Justin Timberlake is scared of snakes and tigers (who doesn’t?) and Carmen Electra is afraid of water (what is she doing starring in Baywatch if she’s scared of water?). Then the announcers opened up the line for callers with a question “What is your greatest fear in life?”

My answer will be “Death”.
Poyonya lah jawapan…semua orang takut mati.
But yeah, I’m indeed scared of the “D” word.
Not so much of me dying and died. But my loved ones’ death - being separated permanently from my loved ones.

There is too much tragedy being reported in the news – accidents involved family members, kids gone missing etc – that makes me thinking “What if I’m in their shoes? What would I feel? How do I cope with that kind of situation?”

Almost everyday, May Abah will send us to work up to the front gate (followed by their prayers). Lately, whenever I saw them bid us farewell, I always have this thought “One day, they’ll leave me for good. Can I leave without them around?” It gives me a shudder everytime I think of it.

For instance, what if Mak is no longer around? Eventhough I’m married, I still very much depended on her…for words of wisdom, for motivation, for hugs and kisses coz no one understands me better than Mak. Ashraff is also fond of his Tok Mak. I still remember when Mak when for Umrah and he asked me to draw Ultraman. Seriously, I’m bad at drawing so the comment I got from Ashraff was “Ibu tak pandai draw Ultraman. Tok Mak je pandai.” Well boy, Tok Mak is not going to be forever with us you know. I guess that’s one of the reasons we want to move to our new house – so that my kids do not depend too much on their grandparents and will be heart-broken once they are gone.

And Abah. Though we always argue (sebab dua-dua panas baran and dua-dua nak menang), I still can’t imagine my life without him. The ever supportive father I've known. The wise one. The leader in the family who navigates the family well. He has that cheeky smile (which Ashraff got it from) which I know I’ll miss seeing once he is no longer around.

And then there is Hubby. He only enters my life 5 years ago, but to be separated permanently from him by way of death, is something unbearable and far-reaching. Living a life of a single parent is full of hardship – financially, emotionally and physically. I can get a glimpse of it whenever Hubby went for work outstation, and even in that temporary situation, I could not stand of not seeing and having him around.

Another one will be my mother-in-law. Although I could not feel her presence everyday (as she lives far away), but it still does not stop me from thinking – what is the impact on my life if she’s not around? Of course, it will affect hubby emotionally and that alone will have indirect impact on me. And then, Hubby being the eldest, and moi the eldest daughter-in-law, I know I have to take up the role of “Kak Long” in the family – handling all the family’s major affair, raya, wedding, kenduri – when MIL is no longer around. That will be one hell of a major task for someone who’s not use to that position.

And then there is my two angels – Ashraff and Aliff. What if Allah decided to take them away from me? Meaning which, I witness the day when they were born till the day they die. Omigod! People will usually express their sympathy whenever a baby is still born, or died few hours after birth. Yup, memang sedih. But for me, it will be more depressing should your child err..died..when they are bigger. The longer they are in our lives, the harder it is to be separated from them. A lot more good memories with them.

I don’t know. Maybe I think too much about something that you can’t measure presently. Something that won’t take you anywhere. But hey, am I the only one? Have you given a thought about this?